Vulnerability Required

Shifting a life to a new place for an extended time is exciting. It is also scary. Friends, family and co-workers express their envy and yet beneath my own excitement is a foundation of apprehension. Why? Because in all my experience of 'starting over' by moving to a new place, there is a great deal of vulnerability. Lots of unknowns, lots of loneliness, lots of re-learning and new choices. I don't do vulnerable as well as I did a few decades ago.

Early in my Texan upbringing I learned that the qualities most admired in women are self-sufficiency and a smile as real as the heavy makeup and as big as the hair. Needless to say, this kind of front has never been my style, so I was pleased to escape to California as an art student in the 70s and then all the way Down Under as a bride in the 80s - boomeranging back to Texas in between and for a few years when our first was born. Adapting to new places while also trying to remain true to oneself is just plain hard sometimes.

Vocabulary and accents shift, habits are re-defined, thinking expands, and understanding deepens. The real work, though, is in rebuilding a support structure. Finding a trust-worthy friend to share joys and struggles. Finding playmates to share the wildly fluctuating quality of creative ideas and dreams. Finding fellowship to mine the gems that come from deep and hidden places of faith and considered thought. That gets harder as time marches by and fewer peers are in my vulnerable start-all-over space with me with the same interests and ideas, never mind a similar background!

Apart from my patient husband, there is nobody within 500 miles who really knows me - and vice versa. The days can get long in a temporary home when it lacks people, possessions and purpose. Meanwhile, friendly-yet-superficial social interactions reveal an impatience to truly belong here. The phone is too quiet. The calendar too empty. So there is only one thing to do. Get involved in something!

One activity has been to attempt to renew my drawing and painting skills. I was so nervous at the first (private) class that it took me over an hour to make the 'quick' sketch shown in the layout above! I was happy that I could still draw well enough that it looked like a face, but not at all happy with either my technique or the likeness.

So, once again I am embracing vulnerability and putting myself 'out there' because it is the only way to break through and find connection with responsive people. Since creativity is also by its nature vulnerable, I struggle with pushing as hard as I know I should to develop as an artist. I am going to work on that in the coming months and see what happens, regardless of whether what I do is 'good enough' or not! It is not showcase time, but a time to stretch.

While the crisp fall air shines through its kaleidoscope of colourful optimism, I am back on the school bus of life again, bouncing down a new road and wondering who will meet me here and sit beside me to share the journey together.

 

These layouts were created using Janet Scott Design's fun kits in the A Bouquet of Freshly Sharpened Pencils collection. (A line I often quote from one of my favourite movies.)